MAN TV Blog

So last night, after a crappy day and mounting disdain for the universe, I rocked up at Wakame to meet my blind date for dinner. Now I was hardly going to be scintillating company but I was aware that this innocent girl should not have to bear the brunt of my bad mood. So where do i start? I found her very easy to talk to, and she has a vibrant personality. Last night, not even Lyndal Jarvis could make me giggle but I tried my best. My date had some strong views, and some very adventurous takes on sex and intimacy. I like to hear the words 'jags' and 'naai' every so often. I also enjoy juxtaposing an Afrikaans girl's take on sex versus, say, a Jewish girl, or waspy Sandhurst/Bishopscourt/daughter of a lifetime member of Kelvin Grove...Just quickly aside here, I have noticed a distinct pattern of age and personality types that come up to me in public to debate the issues of MAN. Let me say from the outset and with complete honesty, there are some extremely intellectual viewers who enjoy the show and GET the aims and aspirations of the producers. About 8-10 people came up to me at a recent wedding who were all over 60 years of age and were loving the episodes, which is as surprising as it is pleasing!

So back to the date. Being the dog that I am, I was keen to explore what chances I had of bedding her. Let me summarise the evening succinctly by admitting that she told me at the outset that there was no way she was going to sleep with me on the same night she met me. Pity. So I got no action. The seared tuna was fine indeed, as well as a Bushmills on ice, and a salted calamari starter. She chose a sushi platter and two pints of Stella. Case closed. I am off to Johanessburg for Passover festival, the festival where Jews eat matzah, and are constipated for 8 days!

Chat soon
Maurice

Sunday night past brought the curtain down on a fortnight of weddings of very close mates, lavish affairs indeed with sincere speeches, loving parents and elated friends. I am still not convinced that the institution is any less viable that when the fortnight began. For example, both the bride and the groom's parents in the second wedding were divorced, making for a
tricky main table and tons of egg-shell walking. By the way, Henri was at the second wedding, the enigma that is Henri's sexual preference continues to attract its fair share of attention, I guess it keeps the girls and the guys on their toes, and his options wide open.

Did the Parlotones last night at Kirstenbosch, such a great outfit, with Xolani from Freshlyground opening with a stirring rendition of Starlight Galaxy with Kahn Morbee. On Wednesday night coming I have my work cut out for me. I am going on a blind date to Wakame, a prominent Atlantic Seaboard sushi eatery. It should be fun, but it could also tank dismally, I guess the same goes for so many aspects of our lives. Blind dates are dreaded by some, but I often come across couples who met this way, okay, to be honest, very few. I have just got a vision of some dedicated blog follower coming to Wakame, approaching the table, to warn my date that I am a misogynist pig!

OK so in the Hippie I took some deep drags on a joint, which

were, dare I say, pleasurable. I really don't smoke weed often, have maybe

done so twenty times in my life, always with good friends and always giving

rise to great laughs and acute hunger. Come to think of it, the Gardens

Woolworths/Engen complex would have to close down if the marijuana crop

ceased to thrive in SA. All their business after 1am each morning comes from

the arty City Bowl 'tokers' coming into the shop for chocolate logs,

koeksusters and Vitamin Water.

So I'm not against weed. I cannot speak about ecstacy and cocaine and

'shrooms because I have tried these drugs on only one or two occasions. I

enjoy alcohol but can also count on two hands the number of times I've been

rolling drunk. Each time I was rolling drunk was memorable I might add. Once

I got initiated at Rhodes University in Grahamstown with two funnels of 1

litre papsaks surging down my throat through a piece of hosepipe held from a

tree branch!

So what do I deem broader society's view on alcohol and drugs to be? Alcohol

is cool, edgy and all-pervasive, if used responsibly. I can think of nothing

better than rocking up at a nightclub with a hot woman in tow, marching to

the bar and ordering a double vodka or a quad of chocolate tequila. I don't

do it that often, but when you're feeling good, alcohol can enhance an

evening. Abused, it's a nightmare, but respected, it's a great way to meet

people. That mildly tipsy feeling from time to time is perfectly acceptable.

Rolling out of a club drunk, or driving drunk is plainly stupid, we all know

that.

Drugs are a trickier issue, but I think that society naturally views them as

more dangerous when in fact they're also 'safe' in moderation. Maybe that's

opening up a can of worms but feel free to debate this issue with me. I have

been asked a good few questions about drugs so will quickly table them:

Maurice, have you ever sniffed coke off a girl's breasts? Or had sex on

coke?

I have done neither, so any of you who have, please do write in!

Maurice, if a girl you loved had a coke or excessive drink habit, would it

be a deal breaker?

Absolutely. Different to try things once or twice TOGETHER. But if she'd be

out doing blow while I was having an early night, not cool.

I hope I've stirred a few issues up. Look forward to hearing from you all.

ML

So I did the Argus yesterday and no, I did not really enjoy it. I never
train for the event, preferring to dust my bike off the day before the
event, loan a helmet and gloves and enjoy the event for what I believe it
should always be, a leisurely ride around the peninsula. Sweeping sea views
at Chappies were not to be this year, as I rocked up at the Noordhoek side
of the pass, to be told that I was five minutes late and would be 'swept'
off the course. So I'm a crap rider, yes. And they still have my bike, so if
anybody reads this, please call David Bellairs from Pedal Power and ask him
where I can collect my bike.

If I do look at the positives, a blonde girl writing matric this year seemed
to see the goodness in me at Smitswinkel Bay. Note to self: the Two Oceans
Half Marathon is a far better event to meet and chat to fresh women.
Firstly, it is hard to gauge if a woman cyclist is hot, because her
sunglasses and helmet could make her look like Tanit Pheonix when in fact
she looks like Patricia De Lille. Also, black cycling tights are forgiving
to even the biggest pair of thunder thighs. Lastly, cycling requires lots
more concentration than running. And a female runner can't conceal her bits
as a cyclist can, so when I line up at the half marathon on April 3 I hope
to see a lot more women on the route. One thing I must make mention, I had
two back massages while taking water breaks yesterday, the masseuses are
waspy first year physiotherapy students at UCT, so enjoyed the rubs while
harbouring all sorts of fantasies about threesomes behind the Bar-One stop
at Kommetjie!

So that's me for the moment. Have two big weddings this week and will revert
with a few war stories later in the week.

maurice